The president’s unwillingness to honor the outcome of the election earlier this month has finally produced a tangible result: The San Francisco 49ers have been declared the winner of Super Bowl LIV.
After a thorough and painstaking play-by-play review of the game, the 31–20 ‘win’ by the Kansas City Chiefs on February 2, 2020 has been reversed. When all points were counted, including two touchdowns by San Francisco that did not actually occur during the game, it was determined that the 49ers had defeated the Chiefs 34–31 in a nail-biter. It was the Niners’ sixth Super Bowl victory.
In celebrating the win in San Francisco earlier this week, team officials credited the Trump administration, Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and the entire Republican Party for “showing us the way.” “We had thought the game was long over and that the better team had won,” explained a team spokesperson. “Never did we think it possible to change the score after the game ended. We have the president to thank. As it turns out, simply saying we won repeatedly is all we needed to do. When we did, those two touchdowns magically appeared and put us over the top. What a country, right?”
Representatives of the Kansas City Chiefs have yet to respond to our request for comment.
Other teams previously thought to have lost championship games are currently seeking to overturn their ‘defeat.’ The Golden State Warriors are reviewing video of their Game 6, 114–110 loss to the Toronto Raptors on June 14, 2019. “We only need to find 5 points somewhere to beat the Raptors,” said a member of the Warriors front office. “Shouldn’t be too difficult. It’s only 5 points, after all.”
The Clemson Tigers, losers of last year’s college football national championship game to the Louisiana State University Tigers, 42–25, know their challenge is steep to produce a win after the fact. “We need to find 18 points,” explained a Clemson coach. “We’re looking in the 2ndquarter. LSU ran some odd plays near the half, which we think should be negated,” he said. “The refs were clearly out to get us. The game was rigged from the start,” he added. “Thank goodness for the administration and the Republican Party, which showed us this was a possibility. Our plan is to take the game video to the Supreme Court.”
Another team seeking to undo a loss is the Texas Tech men’s basketball team, which was defeated by the Virginia Cavaliers in overtime, 85–77, in last year’s men’s college basketball national championship game. “There are no two ways around it. We were robbed!,” exclaimed a Texas Tech booster. “The Cavs were up by 10 points with minutes to play. We came back strong and had a 3-point lead with 12 seconds on the clock,” she explained. “We had this game won. The championship was ours. Everybody knew it! Then the Cavs stole it. They put up a miracle 3-point shot, which they say they made — though who knows for sure? — and we were suddenly in overtime. It’s a lot like what happened to the president. He won fair and square and then they counted the rest of the ballots.”
In a statement to the press today, the San Francisco 49ers have invited the president to serve as Grand Marshall of their victory parade scheduled for next week. “Our belated victory is dedicated to him. In any other year, at any other time, the victor would be determined solely on points scored during the game. Thanks to the president’s example, no longer do points, sportsmanship and fair play matter.”
Due to the coronavirus, which is setting new daily records for cases and deaths in the United States, the parade will be virtual.