Statistically speaking, if you pose a sufficient number of conspiracy theories, no matter how outlandish, no matter how spurious, no matter how audacious, by chance, eventually, through no fault of your own, you may land on one that is true. Such is the nature of probability. Remember, even the Chicago Cubs won a World Series.
Such was the case last week when in the midst of an ever-expanding laundry list of incredible, far-fetched, outrageous, maddening, unhinged and, frankly, infuriating conspiracy theories embraced by Marjorie Taylor Greene, a freshman Republican member of the House from Georgia, she mentioned one in passing that is, in fact, true.
I am speaking, of course, of Jewish lasers.
Not the Jewish Lazars of West Covina, California, but, instead, of photon-filled narrow beams of light originating in outer space capable of destruction. And, importantly, controlled by Jews. If I dare boast, ours packs a punch.
It was only a matter of time before someone uncovered our secret capability. That it was Marjorie Taylor Greene is disappointing. We were hoping the discovery would be made by someone with credibility. Someone educated. Someone reputable. Someone sane. We expected it to be NASA, given their interest in and passion for space. Or, the new Space Force, though their uniforms may still be on backorder. NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) was another strong possibility, as was Neil deGrasse Tyson, one of our faves.
But Marjorie Taylor Greene? Plain and simple, she is a whack job. A very dangerous one.
If you consider that descriptor excessively harsh, consider just some of her stated beliefs: Barack Obama is a Muslim; the Clintons killed John F. Kennedy, Jr.; that mass shootings in elementary and high schools were “false flag” events, conducted by the government to generate support for gun control. She believes that the attack on the Trade Towers on 9/11 was a hoax. She is an open and repeated advocate of QAnon. She has supported in social media the notion of executing top Democratic officials (where ‘execute’ = ‘murder’). She believes that “thousands” of immigrants are “pouring over” our southern border. She produced a campaign ad that claimed that the “Deep State” tried to sabotage the ex-president even before he took office, as well as a series of hostile, racist videos she felt important to distribute. She also fervently believes that the election was rigged and was “stolen” from the ex-president. She referred to the events of January 6, 2021 as “Republicans’ 1776 moment” and that to remove the ex-president, despite him losing the election, would constitute “an attack on every American who voted for him.” She is now planning to impeach the current president. And has threatened with physical violence any member of Congress, including those in her own party, who might criticize her.¹
Yet, and let us not overlook this important fact, she was elected to Congress in Georgia’s 14th Congressional district in a landslide in the November election. In the heavily Republican district, Greene won 74.6% of the vote.² Even so, while inelegant, not traditional, and not fully clinical, ‘whack job’ surely applies to Marjorie Taylor Greene. She is that, and more. That she remains in Congress, even in these times, despite the strong support of her district, is unfathomable.³ Her support of executing Democratic officials should be reason enough.
Back to the laser. Now that ours has been outed, even without the benefit of an esteemed discoverer, we must own up to it. Speaking on behalf of the entire world’s Jewry — who have authorized me to do so (save for 89-year-old Murray Rabinowitz, who thinks ‘telling the world about the laser is to betray our only hope for world domination’) — let me make this official: It exists. It is a laser. It can project a narrow beam of light over hundreds of miles. It is powerful, with four convenient settings: Tan, Toast, Roast, and Scorch. And Jews, for the most part, control it.
That said, we have not used it, as Greene so stridently and erroneously claimed, to start forest fires in the West. Why would we do that when, as it has been pointed out by the ex-president, simply not raking the forest will lead to wildfires? The laser is also not controlled by a Jewish banker. No prominent Jewish financiers were involved. We used GoFundMe. Every contributor — who need not be Jewish, by the way — has an opportunity to control the laser. (There are quite a number of us, given that lasers do not come cheap. Not like a taser, say, or even a strong flashlight. Just getting the damn thing into orbit took a fortune. Having to do it under the cloak of darkness added mightily to the cost. Next time we launch in daylight, for sure.)
In general, we are a peaceful people. We tend not to own guns. We avoid violence. But having a laser in space is, for many, an absolute dream come true. We funded it, launched it into space and, to be sure, Ms. Greene, we will use it. Waste not, want not. Now, ‘light the menorah’ will take on an entirely new meaning.
Over time, every contributor will get 15 minutes of fame, especially if her or his aim is true. Knowing that it is up there in synchronous orbit, that it is charged and ready for use (via the new aptly-named app JewLaserL’Chaim) should give at least some on Earth pause, especially if it is cranked up to its Scorch setting. Starting with Marjorie Taylor Greene. Oh, the irony if she were to be the first human at the hot end, so to speak, of the Jewish laser. Our 2nd Amendment rights in action. Your AR-15, the one you touted proudly in support of the 2nd Amendment, is no match for our laser, Ms. Greene.⁴ Just saying.
I, though, have bigger fish to fry. When my turn comes around in about 5.75 years, I’ll be thinking Mar-a-Lago. Or the headquarters of Fox News. Or perhaps, both, since by then they may be located together. Not to kill, mind you. Just to send a clear message: Enough already with the conspiracy theories. We are on to you. Your time is up.